Today I am grateful to be a Mother, but I didn’t always feel that way. In the beginning, we got off to a bit of a rough start. Not only did I have an instant, lovely nine-year-old daughter but I also had some pregnancies that did not go as planned. Just a reminder that you cannot plan everything in your life, things just happen. I was 35 years old when I had my first child, and I was shell-shocked, no one can prepare you for this massive change. This baby was turning my life upside down, and I had to do some hard inner work to get on board with motherhood. I thought I was going to be instantly in love and the happiest I had ever been. Not even close! He hated the car so much; he would scream and scream.I seemed to be taking this personally. I had to try to hold a bottle or a soother in his mouth while driving which was very dangerous and quite stressful. There were some days I considered driving my car into a pole. Not a good feeling, I felt like I was failing him.I did not realize I was suffering from postpartum depression until he was four months old, making for some very dark times for me. I was mourning the loss of Courtney. What happened to the creative, vibrant, beautiful person I always was? I could barely be a wife anymore! I was angry, sad and very disturbed by the reflection in the mirror. No one told me that after 35 it is very hard to lose the baby weight. Thank goodness for Dr. Misri at Woman”s Hospital, don’t be fooled by the name, she helped me become happy again. She was a lifesaver.Things got better a much better and I decided I needed to do something for me; I could handle anything now. I enrolled myself into night school to complete my Interior Design Diploma at BCIT. I was pulling all-nighters to manage both school and motherhood. I struggled but managed to get better.Then I accidentally got pregnant again.I was able to finish up at BCIT towards the end of my pregnancy, and I delivered another healthy son.I was informed this time for the struggles that laid ahead and found it a lot less challenging the second time around. When I speak to my friends who had careers and rich social lives, the common thread is mourning the loss of the person they once were. It might just be the difference between and young Mother and a 30 + Mother. I think you become quite selfish and self-absorbed without even realizing it.

After my second son was about one year old, I got pregnant again, and again this was not to be. I was sad again because of those lovely hormones racing through my brain again and all that went along with letting a baby go at 23 weeks. In a hormonal haste, I decided I needed something more.I need to be more creative and have more adult interaction. I neighbor told me that her friend was selling her gift shop that was bursting with beautiful home decor and clothes, so this sounded like a great fit. So we bought it and off I went working 70 hour work weeks. I am sure you know what happened next. I was missed terribly at home by my five-year-old, he kept asking me when was I going to sell the store. It was way too much for my family. I had to make some cutbacks and put my selfishness to rest. My family needed me. So I jumped in full steam ahead and hadn’t looked back. Once my youngest was in pre-school I started taking little design jobs, but then they got bigger, lol. I was finding myself swamped again and unable to give 100 % to any area in my life. My oldest son is quite the hockey player and is on the ice almost every day of the week. The hubby has over 11 companies he is running and a hectic travel schedule. He also loves hockey! He plays, he is in pools, and he is Grayson’s biggest supported. Yes, I have a synthetic hockey rink in my backyard, lol. I have become quite the hockey fan as well; I even took to a pond this winter to shoot a puck around with him. Unfortunately, this resulted in a slight concussion and whiplash for me, but I now have a new appreciation for how hard it is, lol. It was time for me to step back again and reprioritize.

They are now 8,11 and 22. I feel I have finally settled in and am feeling a lot more comfortable in my role as Mom. I am enjoying all the stolen cuddles we have, all our travels together, teaching them to cook and to become gentlemen. They drive me nuts sometimes, but it’s great to hear from others how well behaved and polite they are. I must be doing something right. I can honestly say I love being a Mom to all three of them. My step daughter has followed in my footsteps in her love for food, makeup, and design. I am very proud of them all, and I even have seen to want to slow time down a bit. Wow, what a change I have made in myself.I will never regret all I have gone through to get to this very point in my life, but I sure am a Grateful to be a Mom. So I would like you to know that being a Mother is a journey of inner growth. They have taught me so much about myself. I wish all the Mother’s out there a Happy Mother’s Day.

XX Courtney

The beautiful Allie.

 

Grayson and Brody, Grayson is my serious one.

 

Brody, my little clown.

Grayson and Hunter.

 

 

 

 

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